He loves me. He loves me not.
You love him, so you stay, waiting for those moments you see a glimpse of the charming, loving, romantic man you met.
There will always be spousal disputes, no relationship is perfect, but abuse is abuse.
I once told a woman, that I would call the authorities, if she did not leave her relationship, because I am a mandated reporter. I am required by law to report child abuse.
The abuse was taking place in front of the child, my fear was the child would be accidentally hurt, which sometimes happens.
Don’t try to be his savior, when you can’t even save yourself. Fighting back won’t help.
You will go back and forth, up and down, until one of you decides it’s enough and leaves.
The Abusive Cycle
According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, there is no abusive cycle, because that terminology places blame on the victim and it would mean that abuse is predictable. Abuse is not predictable. There is no LOGICAL reason for the abuse, which is why you cannot predict or control your abusive partners behavior.
· He’s sweet charming. All is well.
· He’s angry, aggressive. Everything is horrible.
· In the same day, he can be sweet charming and angry and aggressive, without any warning as to why the switch happened.
· He says sorry. He says he won’t do it again.
· He does it again and he threatens you.
When it’s time to go?
You’ve tried everything…..EVERYTHING!
You waited, hoped, vented and prayed. You even tried to change yourself.
So when is it time to go? When you’ve done all you can.
“I didn’t leave until I felt empowered.”
Shanda Roberts Founder of From Pain to Purpose, LLC
The key word is felt empowered. If a woman does not believe she can leave, she can live on her own, she can handle the aftermath, she will be psychologically paralyzed (even if she is unhappy).
An empowered woman feels safe, knows her worth, she is confident in her ability to provide for herself and her children. She is not afraid to set boundaries and make decisions for herself.
This is why I am sooooo very passionate about empowering women’s minds. I encourage women not to hide behind their guilt or shame. I encourage women to speak their truth and their real emotions. I give women a safe space to take off the superwoman cape and remove the mask. Speaking her truth is the first step to healing.
She needs to leave early and fast, as soon as she becomes aware she is in an abusive relationship.
My mission is empowering women to pursue the careers and businesses that will allow them to be emotionally, physically and financially independent.
Empowered ladies lead their own lives, on their terms, any man in her life compliments her not completes her.
Safety Plan (Preparing to Get Out)
You need to maintain consistency and normalcy. Don’t warn your partner you are leaving.
Gray Rock Technique. Do not react emotionally to what your partner says and does. Be still like a rock. They feed off your emotions, so give none.
De-escalate arguments. Forget about being right or proving your point, they don’t want to hear it.
Emotionally disengage. Try to emotionally detach from the “good times” this is part of the abusive cycle.
Have a supportive network, a church group, a therapist, a therapy group or domestic violence shelter.
Have 2 very trusted friends that can support you, if you need someplace to stay.
Gather all of you and your kids important documents and keep them at a friends house.
Create a google phone number and email address that your partner doesn’t know about.
Get a P.O. Box or forward your mail to a friends house.
Get another bank account, where no one else has access, use a friends address. Start stashing money.
The Exit Strategy (When it’s time Go Time!)
You need to have a good plan in action. Do not tell your partner you are leaving.
Plan the day and time you are leaving.
Try to have the kids stay somewhere else while you are moving.
Organize a plan with a friend to meet you, just in case your partner comes home.
Have a back up plan to go to a local domestic violence shelter.
Have some clothes packed in a back pack for you and kids keep it at a friends house.
Get a restraining order.
Put an alert at your children’s school that their other parent cannot pick them up from school.
Only 1 or 2 trusted people should know about your plan to leave and only one person needs to know your exit strategy.
IF YOU DO NOT HAVE TRUSTED FRIENDS SEEK PROFESSIONAL SUPPORT ASAP.
You will need to go “No Contact”. If you need to contact them, for the kids, get a mediator or an objective third party involved.
Maybe communication can resume after you have been separated for some time and you are safe in your new home.
If there are circumstances where your partner threatens your life the court may advise supervised visitation with the children.
We all want to live happily ever after. We want to find “the one “.
A man to marry, to have our children with and to build a life and grow old together. We want to honor our wedding vows, in sickness and health, til death do us part.
But no where in the wedding vows does it say in love and domestic abuse, until murder does us part.
The fact is, you cannot change a man. You cannot make someone to think different, feel different, act different. You cannot fix his life. Iyanla can’t fix their life. He has to do this on his own.
He has to see something is wrong with his behavior and have the desire and will to take the steps necessary to change. Until he does that, you will be in a continuous pattern of abuse.
And if you were wondering…. emotional and verbal abuse are also extremely detrimental to you and your children’ mental health.
The strongest women I know, have been survivors of domestic abuse and they are empowered to lead lives on their own terms.
I know the thought of starting over is scary. When you focus on what you will GAIN, instead of what you are losing starting over becomes a breath of fresh air, a second chance, a do-over on your terms.
Living your best life, means living the life God intended, one where you are loved, where you feel free, where you pursue your purpose.
Starting over can be whatever you want. You can marry again, start a new career, a new business. You can be happier and healthier with the confidence that you can overcome ANYTHING.
Here is my interview with Shanda Roberts CEO of Pain to Purpose and domestic violence survivor, talking about how she got out for good and turned her experience into a mission.
Credits: Hype Media Global, LLC.
Photo Credit: https://www.pexels.com/@nappy
The National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/
If you are in imminent danger call 9-1-1.
Need to talk about how to cope with your emotions after the abuse.
Schedule a Free 15 minute consultations in my virtual office. www.senecawilliams.com